


The Darkness within Darkness

by chenziee



Series: One Angel [10]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Depressed Eren Yeager, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, Karate, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Training Camp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-19 01:43:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20649143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chenziee/pseuds/chenziee
Summary: Since a few months ago, everything has been going wrong in Erens life. Having quit school and unable to find it in himself to look for a job Eren is too busy hating himself to do anything else, hardly having the energy to  get out of bed in the morning. The only good thing was his new boyfriend, who was the one thing keeping him together most days.So a two week long training camp has to beexactlywhat he needs now, right?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This could be considered a prequel to all the other works in the series as it takes place before Levi finds out about Eren's issues but it doesn't really matter, I think?
> 
> Excuse any typos, I wrote it all on my phone;; I might proof read it... Eventually 😅😅

Eren felt sick. It wasn't anything new, he felt sick all the damn time these days, but this was too much. Why did he have to go to a training camp? For two entire weeks? Why? He didn't have the energy to even stay alive anymore and now he would be forced to move and be around people all day everyday. For two weeks without break.

Great.

Eren didn't say a word during the drive to the camp. His father didn't either. Not surprising, the man hadn't said a word to him since Eren admitted to having quit school a month ago. They simply sat in silence as the, drove to the dumbfuck nowhere so Eren could spend two weeks around people he couldn't stand, doing things he couldn't stand so he could intensively prepare to be better at a sport he couldn't stand anymore.

Fucking karate, the entire sport could go and fuckbitself for all he cared. The entire 90 minute drive, Eren wished they would crash. He stared at every big tree they passed, hoping his dad would lose control and drive right into it. Eren really would rather die than breathe one more second.

But he couldn't just kill  _ himself _ could he? He would cause too much trouble for his parents. He did that enough, with just quitting school and acting like a spoiled baby throwing a tantrum since summer started. Not leaving his bed unless absolutely necessary, not talking, barely eating.

He really was pathetic.

Eren gulped down the tears threatening to overflow and raised the volume of his music even higher. It was so loud now that Eren wouldn't be surprised if he went deaf from it. It still wasn't enough. Why wouldn't the volume go any higher? He needed it louder, he needed the music to silence the thoughts running through his head, need it to push back the tears. He couldn't let anyone see him cry; not now, not ever.

In the end Eren had to close his eyes tightly to try and keep the annoying, salty water in. It helped, even though a few droplets did escape. Nothing he couldn't hide. And thankfully, before he knew it, he fell asleep, his perpetual exhaustion taking over and pulling him down as soon as it saw the opportunity.

Eren only woke up when the car stopped at their destination, his dad not even getting out of the car to see him off. Not like Eren cared, he didn't even say bye himself – just grabbed his bag and shut the car door closed, stalking off to where there seemed to be people gathering.

He had to force himself to plaster on a smile as he people started glancing his direction, giving his greetings to people he had never even seen before as well as people he barely knew. He hardly showed up at trainings the past half a year, never mind bothering with competitions, always using school as an excuse to get out of it. He barely knew anyone involved with the sport anymore.

He knew Jean and Mikasa would only arrive later that evening so they wouldn't be there yet but searching with his eyes through the crowd, he finally found Reiner and Bertholdt talking with what he assumed was Annie who was hidden by all the people taller than her. Then, a bit away, there were Connie and Sasha, being loud and lively as usual, making friends with all these old people who Eren could only assume were the instructors – his coach's friends. And then, finally, his eyes found his coach himself and his stomach dropped.

Eren knew he would have to see him and talk to him, but he still wasn't ready for it. His mind went blank as he moved forward on autopilot making his way to the table where his coach was sitting.

"Hi," Eren said lamely, his voice nearly cracking and sounding incredibly far away.

Everyone at the table looked up, Sasha and Connie jumping up immediately to envelop him in a quick hug in greeting. Eren hated the touch. He wanted to shove them off and snap at them not to touch him but he gulped the words down, forcing himself to hug them back. This was what normal people did, right? Hugging in greeting and touching their "friends".

Eren didn't think they were friends, though. Not anymore, and probably not ever. They barely talked. Never went out together. Only seeing each other whenever Eren actually went to a training. They weren't friends. Acquaintances at best. Like with everyone in the goddamn place, the goddamn sport.

"Well, look who's decided to grace us with his presence."

A jolt ran through Eren at those words. What had he done wrong now? He didn't ditch the whole camp, he didn't even come late. What did he do – or didn't do – this time that his coach find necessary to comment on?

Eren's breathing quickened as his eyes jumped on his coach, who continued after a short pause. "I didn't think you would even show up, I hardly see you anymore," he said in a teasing tone that wasn't really teasing at all. Ironic. Accusing. Reproachful. It made Eren want to run away.

He only shrugged and hummed noncommittally, not knowing what to even say. Not that it mattered; anything he might say would be turned into a jab at him anyway.

Seeing as Eren wasn't about to say anything, his coach clicked his tongue and turned his attention away from Eren, just telling him who he was rooming with and where before waving him off. Eren was never this relieved to leave a conversation.

Without a word, Eren grabbed his bag and stalked away, heading straight for the room he would call his for the next two weeks.

Finding the room blessedly empty, Eren chose one of the available beds and claimed it as his own by throwing himself on top of it, his bag landing haphazardly next to him. Eren didn't have the energy to care about anything breaking inside of it. He just wanted to sleep.

He threw an arm across his head, burying his face in the crook of his elbow. If only he could disappear just like that. Disappear and never come back to reality, never have to deal with anything else. The mere idea of moving was exhausting and Eren knew he would have to go out there and train for hours, surrounded by people who were all happy and full of energy and enjoyed doing this shit. Who wanted to be there while Eren would give anything to be able to just keep lying there and not have to face anyone.

But life wasn't so easy. He was at a training camp so of course he was expected to train and talk to people.

It made Eren want to throw up.

Unconsciously, Eren raised his right arm and let it fall, fall harshly down on his face, his tightly clenched fist digging harshly into his left forearm. Sharp pain immediately erupted from the area, the flesh raw and tender with many red, scabbed over lines running across the inner side of it. Eren wanted to add to them. The pain wasn't enough; not enough keep him grounded, not enough to forget, not enough to ignore, not enough to get the incredible pressure he felt off.

But someone could walk in any minute. Eren wasn't safe. Wouldn't be safe for two weeks and it was too much. So he pushed the sleeve of his jacket up and dug his nails into the cuts, pressing down at the freshest ones and bringing out as much of the sting as he could without bleeding. It still wasn't enough but it was better than nothing. At least he felt the stone that lied heavy inside his stomach let up a bit.

Letting out a shaky breath, Eren felt the tears threatening to overflow again. How ironic. Relying on pain and self-mutilation to stay alive. Pathetic, so goddamn pathetic. But he didn’t know what else to do, how else to keep the pressure that was accumulating inside of him from growing bigger than he was and ripping him apart, bursting out of his skin and making him bleed out completely. He'd rather let out some of the blood himself, relieving some of the pressure and giving himself a little bit of room to breathe.

He hated doing it, he knew it wasn't normal or healthy or anything remotely good but he was lost. He didn't know of anything,  _ anything  _ else that would work. So he hurt himself, carved deep lines into his skin and watched the blood trickle out, the sting of pain and the colour of blood calming the storms in his mind and giving him a taste of peace.

God how he wished he didn't have to do this.

Giving his arm one last hard squeeze, Eren gulped heavily and forced himself to sit up. There would be a training in an hour and he had to unpack before than.

Just then, his phone vibrated. Eren wanted to ignore it. He didn't want to talk to anyone. His hand still automatically reached out to grab the device and Eren hated how hopeful his mind got. Would it be someone asking how he was doing? Someone who'd save him? Someone who cared?

A sneer pulled on Eren's lips. How ridiculous. Nobody cared and no one would save him. There wasn't anything to save him from anyway, he was the sole creator of all his "problems" after all. How could anyone save him from his own stupidity.

Looking at the display of his phone, Eren's heart jumped to his throat. Levi. Of course it was Levi, there was no one else who cared enough to message him. But Eren didn't want to talk to him, too scared he would let something slip to his new boyfriend – and long term crush. But he also wanted to talk to him, needed to talk to him. The man was the one thing keeping him alive these days, the one thing that could make him honestly happy, forgetting everything else in his shitty life for a few minutes.

Lost in his internal conflict, Eren didn't even realize he was already holding his phone in his hand, clutching it so tight his knuckles turned white. As if it was the gift of life itself, a glass of water handed to him after days of dehydration, a rope he could grab onto while falling down a bottomless cliff. 

But it really was the same thing as that to Eren, wasn't it? Levi was the reason why he hadn't killed himself yet, the reason why he kept breathing instead of swallowing a bottle of pills.

It was actually funny what impeccable timing Levi always had; every time he messaged Eren, it was at a time when he needed him.

A bitter, humourless chuckle left Eren's lips. It was funny how he was desperate for someone to save him, yet he didn't  _ want  _ anyone to save him. That's why he was scared to talk to him. He was scared of crying for help, disgusted at his own patheticness, and terrified to let Levi see just how broken he really was.

Staring at the notification, his finger hovering half an inch above the screen, Eren bit his bottom lip to keep it from quivering, until finally, after two more minutes of fighting with himself, he swiped at the screen to open the message.

>> Hey brat, have you arrived yet? How was the drive?

Eren couldn't stop the small smile that spread over his lips. He so didn't deserve this man. He grabbed his phone properly then, his fingers flying over the screen with practiced ease.

<< Got here just a bit ago. Already can tell this thing will suck xD drive was fine, just fucking boringgg. Wish you could have driven me instead :P

Eren cringed at how carefree his message sounded and he thanked whoever was listening that Levi preferred texting over calls. There was no way he could have fooled him then.

It didn't take long before his phone vibrated again with Levi's response.

>> Wish I could have too. Would have kidnapped your ass half-way and took you somewhere else. Like my apartment. Since you obviously don't want to be there.

<< What tipped you off? The love between us? ;)

>> More like the constant whining but sure, whatever helps you sleep at night. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Eren was taken by surprise by the genuine laugh that filled the room, it took him a few seconds to realise he was the one laughing. It seemed so easy to be happy when he was talking to Levi.

<< I'll go with the first one then ;)

<< Btw what's with the emoji xD

>> Hanji told me to use them to better convey my emotions and prevent misunderstandings.

<< XD it's creepy when you do it! Please stop 😂😂

>> Okay, brat 😘

Eren made a face at the emoji, but he couldn't hide the wide smile on his face if he tried. His heart felt so light and it was so much easier to breathe with just a few words exchanged with his boyfriend.

But still, it didn't stop his arm from itching, nor did it keep his heart from sinking as soon as his eyes fell on his training gear, the dirty white of his well-worn kimono mocking him and reminding him of the days and weeks he would be forced to bear this torture.

It was only with a heavy sigh that he forced himself to actually unpack and start getting ready for the first training in hell, accompanied by people he didn't he didn't give a shit about and who didn't give a shit about him in turn.

It was going to be two long, painfully long weeks.


	2. Chapter 2

"Come on, Eren! Don't slack off!"

Eren gritted his teeth as he gripped the grass tighter, trying to force his body to keep moving. It was the third day of the camp and basically all his muscles hurt even when he was just lying in bed yet he still had to keep climbing this stupid hill, being shouted at and taunted all the while for being slow.

It wasn't his fault his body wouldn't move faster. Really, if it were up to him, he would have been among the first people on the top, right along with Mikasa but he couldn't. He couldn't gather the strength needed to climb faster, could barely gather the strength to climb at all. It was frustrating.

It was frustrating and pathetic and painful and it made him sick feeling so weak.

But really, how many times had they been made to climb this thing since the beginning of the week? Eren cursed the steep, impossibly steep hill for being right behind their accommodations. They had to crawl their way up on all fours at the end of almost all outdoor trainings and once even as their morning exercise.

As it it wasn't enough that Eren was forced to get up before 6 AM every morning despite being more of a nocturnal person. He could barely function before 10 at the best of circumstances, never mind waking up that early only to  _ run  _ and  _ crawl  _ and  _ stretch.  _ Eren's body wasn't made for this, ever, single cell in his body protesting more and more each day.

But he couldn't afford to skip. Not unless he wanted someone barging into his room to wake him up and drag him out anyway, only to be made fun of and ridiculed on top of everything.

And so he could only grit his teeth until his jaw hurt, swallow down the tears constantly threatening to overflow, and do his best to not attract attention to himself. Which didn't work a lot of the time, as his body was weaker than it should be, according to the coaches – and compared to everyone else.

It also didn't help he'd been training under his coach for years and years and also Mikasa's brother, both of these making him an obvious target by default. Sometimes he really hated being related to someone who was considered a genius in anything she did, on top of being adored by everyone for being  _ beautiful  _ and  _ nice. _

Eren felt like complete trash next to her. Even without the "Oh you're Mikasa's brother?" and "Mikasa is so talented and beautiful, I'm jealous." and "Do you know where Mikasa is?" That is usually the extent of his conversations with people. Everyone is just Mikasa Mikasa Mikasa.

Eren hated it. Except Levi, there wasn't a single person he knew who wasn't talking to him either to get closer to Mikasa, or out of courtesy because they were friends with her already. It was… frustrating and painful. About as painful as the way his muscles protested over the strain of climbing this crazy  _ fucking _ hill. Eren wanted to throw up.

"Come on Eren, why are you just standing around. You know you have to run down, too."

Eren would rather die than run but that would be too easy, wouldn't it? So he bit down on his lip until he couldn't feel it anymore and forced himself to move along the winding forest road that led back down to the bottom of the hill. At least this would be it for this training. Hopefully. It wouldn't be the first time they were told to run up the hill again because someone "slacked off".

Praying that wouldn't be the case this time, Eren ran, trying not to think about anything at all.

By the the time he made it out of the forest, final stretches were already in progress. Thank God. That meant he didn't have to run anymore for a while at least. It would be lunch after this, then a few hours of rest before the afternoon training – Eren liked those best as they were the ones where they actually did karate and not some stupid stamina or strength building. Of course that didn't mean he enjoyed them, but they were definitely the easiest to survive.

Eren hid himself at the back when he reached the others, falling half heartedly into the position for the stretches, hoping nobody would notice him behind all the people. But of course, it wouldn't be Sasha and Connie if they weren't as far in the back as possible. When Eren crouched down, he himself not paying attention to his surroundings at all, he ended up right next to the pair, who were talking quietly among themselves and giggling.

Eren hated it. The small sounds and gestures irritated him but he couldn't change locations without drawing attention to himself. So he took a breath so deep his lungs hurt, trying to calm down and bear it for the few minutes before the training ended and they were allowed to go on their way. Eren only hoped the two annoyingly bubbly people he once called friends wouldn't try talking to him once they saw him.

He knew it was just wishful thinking so he wasn't too surprised when the duo turned to him but he still had to stop himself from cringing at the light tone of their voices. Why were they so happy? How did they have so much energy? Eren couldn't deal with it. It pissed him off. It was maddening to see people who were able to laugh and have fun and make friends. Why couldn't he be the same? Talking to them was like rubbing salt into his own wounds. It made him feel sick, so damn sick of his own fucking self.

But he couldn't really do much but force a small smile on his face when they addressed him. "Hey Eren, where have you been hiding all the time? I feel like hardly see you even though we're at the same places all the time," Sasha said, a small pout on her face.

"Yeah man," Connie joined in, frowning slightly. "We're rooming together and I feel like I hardly ever talk to you."

Eren almost snorted. How would he see talk to him when Eren is in their room all the time while Connie is constantly out, mingling with who the fuck ever at the campgrounds, only returning in the middle of night to sleep after drinking with everyone else. If even that, as he did spend a night in Sasha and Annie's room once already.

Eren gulped down the sarcastic remarks and instead simply shrugged. "Sorry, I'm just tired. Don't train as often as I used to anymore so I'm not used to this much work out."

Thankfully, Sasha laughed at that, nodding to herself, "Seriously, that's way too true. It all goes downhill as soon as you enter uni."

"Probably even worse when you start working," Connie added seriously while making a face, probably at the prospect of having to start looking for a job in the foreseeable future. How that made Eren envy him. Eren shouldn't have to worry himself sick about a finding job for a year or two as well but… the fact was he needed one three months ago and that he still didn't have one was pathetic and disgusting. He really was worthless.

Eren wanted to laugh. Not because his thoughts were funny; he wanted to laugh precisely because they  _ weren't.  _ He really was breaking, wasn't he?

"Whatever!" Connie shouted suddenly, making Eren nearly jump out of his skin and the coaches reprimand him loudly from the front. "Whoops," he continued in a whisper again. "Anyway, that doesn't matter now. Wanna hang out with us and catch up during lunch?"

Eren paused. Why was he asking him that? What was there even to catch up on, unless they wanted to hear about Mikasa and Jean's progressing relationship from an inside source. Eren didn't want to talk about his sister. He didn't want to talk about himself either, god knows what he would inadvertently say. And most importantly…

Just the thought of food was making his stomach turn.

He's made an effort to go to all meals so far, mostl, out of fear someone would notice and question him about it but the truth was he didn't have any appetite at all and hardly ate even half his portions. Today he didn't feel like he could stomach a single bite.

"I think I'm gonna skip lunch," Eren blurted out without thinking only to freeze in place a second later. Why the  _ fuck  _ did he say that out loud, stupid stupid stupid! Now they were gonna question him and talk about it and ask him if he's  _ okay.  _ Or worse, judge him silently and then talk about it with everyone else, about how Eren was  _ anorectic. _

Which he wasn't, Eren was sure. He wasn't  _ trying  _ to lose weight, he didn't think he was fat, he wasn't not eating on purpose. He just… didn't have the energy to eat, nor the appetite. He wasn't even feeling hungry most of the time so what reason to eat was there? None. Absolutely none and he didn't deserve food anyway.

But either way, talking about skipping lunch was… not good. He didn't want to make people worry or to have them question him. He didn't even realize he closed his eyes and started breathing heavily until Sasha's voice snapped him out of it, making him look at her with wide, unfocused eyes.

"Can I have your portion then?" she asked, looking so eager and Eren could almost see the tail wagging.

Eren blinked a few times, not sure if he heard correctly. Did she really just ask if she could have his food?

Connie snickered, before he rubbed Sasha's head roughly as he jokingly chided her, "You're gonna get fat if you eat so much!" Ignoring Sasha's protests and efforts to pry him off, he addressed Eren next. "You sure you're gonna be fine without lunch?" he inquired. "I don't know about you but I'm starving."

Eren smiled in that fake way that makes your cheeks hurt while he shook his head. "I'm fine, I don't need that much food. I can go on one meal a day without issue." He shouldn't have said the last bit. He really really shouldn't have.

But Connie just shot him a doubtful look and didn't question him further. Eren didn't know if he was glad or disappointed. It was funny, on one hand he didn't want to make anyone worry or care, didn't want anyone even taking notice of him, but on the other hand… he wanted them to see. Wanted  _ someone  _ to notice how broken he was, wanted someone to gather the pieces and put him back together. Wanted to scream for people to save him.

But he didn't deserve to be saved. Just wanting to be saved disqualified him from being worthy. He was just a pathetic, whiny little child kicking and screaming on the floor because things didn't go his way. Ridiculous.

Eren heaved a sigh at his own thoughts. He felt so tired. The training made him tired, talking to people, as brief as it was, made him tired,  _ thinking _ made him tired. He wanted to go back to his room, sleep, and never wake up but he knew he would have no choice but to get up again in just a few hours, the prospect of next training and all the next ones after that hanging over him like an increasingly heavy weight. He could barely stand under it all, ready to collapse any moment.

Too bad letting it all crush him wouldn't save him.

He just wanted to sleep now. Sleep and never wake up – or at least open his laptop and loose himself in reading so he wouldn't have to think about anything again. Either worked for him and he would decide once he was lying in his bed, surrounded only by his blanket, the four walls, and complete silence.

In the end, his body decided for him. As soon as he settled in his bed, he passed out, not even able to check his phone were the little light was blinking at him in an alert of a new notification.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <strike>The google doc for this is still titled "_f u c k_ this shit" and if that doesn't summarise this shitfest perfectly, I don't know what does.</strike>

**Author's Note:**

> Will be updated depending on my levels of salt. And depending whether my writer's block allows me to work on my current main project or not ^^;;


End file.
